


everything i wanted.

by smeadow



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Break Up, Eating Disorders, Heartbreak, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:42:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25553005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smeadow/pseuds/smeadow
Summary: still haven't forgotten about you, y'know. after all these years you'd think i'm on top of the world but i'm still crawling in hell.
Relationships: Sebastian Michaelis/Ciel Phantomhive
Kudos: 18





	everything i wanted.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [purr-kitten-purr](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=purr-kitten-purr).



> title and lyrics are from ''everything i wanted'' by billie eilish

**♪ I ʜᴀᴅ ᴀ ᴅʀᴇᴀᴍ, I ɢᴏᴛ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ I ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ**   
**Bᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴇɴ I ᴡᴀᴋᴇ ᴜᴘ, I sᴇᴇ**   
**Yᴏᴜ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴍᴇ... ♪**   
_  
_

I smiled as I looked upon the sleeping beauty right next to me in my bed. I slowly took the boy's hand and pressed it against my lips as I planted a small kiss on the soft, frail hand. I was careful not to wake him, knowing he'd most likely be grumpy and bratty the entire day.

I gave his hand a final kiss and placed it on the soft pillow again. I reached for his cute little face, lightly pressing the palm of my hand on the soft, plump cheek. It was warm, and his peaceful expression made me smile even more.  I let my thumb carefully graze across the skin a few times and admired how happy and content he looked.

My smile quickly faded and was replaced by a pained frown.

Who would have thought that behind those closed eyes, there was sadness deeper than I could have possibly imagined? My thoughts wandered to places it didn't want to go.

I loved the boy more than I could fathom, and it irritated me knowing he couldn't trust me when I told him how special he was to me. No matter how many times I'd tell him how amazing and perfect he was, he'd brush me off and say I'm _silly_. He saw himself as nothing.

I think the worst part was he starved himself. He thought I was stupid and hid it from me, but it was so obvious he was struggling. Not eating, feeling faint and playing it off like it was just a onetime thing even though it happened frequently. My heart started beating faster than my thoughts spun out of control, and I felt my throat tightened up.

''Please don't ever leave me..'' I murmured, a little deeper and louder than what I had intended. My no longer gentle hand found its way back up to his perfect face, and then a small, tired grumble escaped his tiny mouth.

''...Sebastian?''

I quickly removed my hand as if his cheek had burnt me. I smiled as his sapphire eyes finally opened.

''Morning, kitten.''

Ciel blinked at me a few times before he turned to roll on his back and closed his eyes, tiny fingers rubbing his sleepy eyes. 

''What were you _doing_?'' Ciel grumbled, followed by a small yawn. His voice slightly cracked as he spoke, unable to hide his somewhat constrained voice from having just woken up. He looked _so_ cute, and I wanted to wrap him up in a blanket so I could hold and protect him _forever_. 

''Just admiring the view.'' I winked and chuckled as he rolled his eyes at me.

''Don't tell me you've been touching me like a _creep,_ too? Though I already know you're a pervert, I wouldn't be surprised.''

Ciel turned his head to give me a playful smirk, then turning to lay on his side again, this time with his back facing towards me. I crept up behind his tiny frame, pressing my front to his back and used my hands to pull his hips, closing all space there was left between us.

''But you're sooo cute, how could I _resist_?'' I teased as I let my lips press against his neck, giving him small kisses.

The boy whined, annoyed at how tightly I was squeezing him and probably for breaching his personal space so early in the morning. I could tell he was trying to distance himself from me. Not just right here in bed, but in general.

Like he was afraid to get hurt. But we both knew we were already too attached. Bonded by something greater than anyone could ever comprehend. Or so I naively _thought_.  
  


**♪ Nᴏᴛ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ'ᴅ ᴛʜɪɴᴋ, ᴀɴᴅ ɪғ I'ᴍ ʙᴇɪɴɢ ʜᴏɴᴇsᴛ**   
**Iᴛ ᴍɪɢʜᴛ'ᴠᴇ ʙᴇᴇɴ ᴀ ɴɪɢʜᴛᴍᴀʀᴇ, ᴛᴏ ᴀɴʏᴏɴᴇ ᴡʜᴏ ᴍɪɢʜᴛ ᴄᴀʀᴇ ♪**   
_  
_

I propped myself up on my arm, still spooning the boy as my hand travelled from the boy's hips to his messy, but soft hair. I gave it a few pats like I was petting a cat. And to be honest, he wasn't too far off from one.

'' _Kitten_?'' I purred, ''Want me to make some breakfast?''

Each time I tried to make him eat or acknowledge the problem, we'd end up arguing. He'd change the subject and play pretend. Put on a fake smile and bat his pretty eyelashes at me. Like I was some fool. But I knew what he was doing, and I think maybe he did too.

As I had expected, Ciel responded by ignoring me, probably pretending to be falling asleep. I played along and tried to get a glimpse of his face hidden in all the pillows and blankets. I gave him a small shake, calling his name to try to ''wake'' him up.

'' _Kitten_?''

''Hmm...? I'm so sleepy.. lemme sleep some.. _more_...''

I sighed and let the boy get what he wanted. _As usual_. 

''I'll be in the kitchen...'' I said, but at this point, it was like talking to a wall.  
  


**♪ Aɴᴅ ʏᴏᴜ sᴀʏ,**

**"As ʟᴏɴɢ ᴀs I'ᴍ ʜᴇʀᴇ, ɴᴏ ᴏɴᴇ ᴄᴀɴ ʜᴜʀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ**   
**Dᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴡᴀɴɴᴀ ʟɪᴇ ʜᴇʀᴇ, ʙᴜᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ ʟᴇᴀʀɴ ᴛᴏ**   
**Iғ I ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴄʜᴀɴɢᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴀʏ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ sᴇᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀsᴇʟғ**   
**Yᴏᴜ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅɴ'ᴛ ᴡᴏɴᴅᴇʀ ᴡʜʏ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴇᴀʀ,**   
**Tʜᴇʏ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴅᴇsᴇʀᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ" ♪**   
  


I sat myself up in bed and slowly stood up. I glanced at the boy who was now hugging the blanket closer around himself, only letting the top of his greyish blue hair stick up. My heart ached. It was as if I no longer could even think properly. I was constantly worrying about him.

Deep down, I knew I couldn't keep trying to be the boy's saviour, but I clung to the role with desperation. It was as if my sole purpose in life had come down to just that. I needed to fix him.

I didn't want to hurt him. _Right?_ But his behaviour turned me into a fucking beast. Impulses of physically hurting him just to show him how he made me feel inside burned deep within me, but instead of succumbing to my sadistic impulses, I'd throw him in the bedroom and try to fuck some sense into him.

No matter how hard I fucked him, he still wouldn't listen. I was sure everything would fall apart. Yet, I was still so _naive _for pretending everything would be fine, and it _hurt_.

I threw my school, work and friends away just to give Ciel even an ounce of happiness. Deep down, I knew it wasn't right. I had gotten too carried away, get myself involved with a boy who I couldn't have a future with.

**Maybe that's what made you leave? Maybe I _was_ the fool all along.**

_I̶̳̓͜_ ̴͇͛͝h̴̬͖͐ä̸̭̖́d̶̫͝ ̸̭̯̑̆a̴̢͈̾ ̷̟̻̈́d̸̦͌r̴̬̳̊e̸̟̠͊a̷̻̱͘m̵̹̅  
̶̢̻̓̅I̴̢̝͋̒ ̵̻̓͂g̸͉̦̿o̶͎̾̄t̵͖̊ ̴̭̊ẹ̸̻v̵̯̖̄̋e̷̯̥̋͠ř̸͍͓y̵̛̮̿ť̴̨ḧ̶̹̻́͛i̷̠̓̊n̴̺͈̄̀g̷͠ͅ ̸̖̩̏I̴̻͂ ̴̹̬̾w̶̨̳̌̋ą̶̟͗n̷͍͐t̵̘͇͐e̴̝͙͝d̸̟̅͝  
 _  
  
_

* * *

 **  
♪ Iғ I ᴋɴᴇᴡ ɪᴛ ᴀʟʟ ᴛʜᴇɴ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ I ᴅᴏ ɪᴛ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ?**  
 **Wᴏᴜʟᴅ I ᴅᴏ ɪᴛ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ? ♪** _  
_

**♪ Iғ ᴛʜᴇʏ ᴋɴᴇᴡ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇʏ sᴀɪᴅ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ɢᴏ sᴛʀᴀɪɢʜᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴍʏ ʜᴇᴀᴅ**   
**Wʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴛʜᴇʏ sᴀʏ ɪɴsᴛᴇᴀᴅ? ♪  
  
**

''I'm sorry... I-I can't do this anymore..''

''W-What do you mean? What's wrong?''

''I have to leave. I'm sorry for everything. It's okay if you hate me. Please do.'' _  
_

''No... C-Ciel. This is... you're.... please... _don't_ say that.''

''I-I'm sorry... I-''

''I fucking _love_ you!! If you leave me I'll... _I'll_...''  
  
''I'm in pain too. I've been in pain for so fucking long but I couldn't tell you... I needed to stay strong for you.  
I thought I'd be able to help you... make you happy...''

 ~~''Can't you see I'm giving up everything to make this work????  
~~ ~~Why can't you UNDERSTAND? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME??  
WHY DID YOU MAKE ME FALL IN LOVE ONLY TO RIP MY HEART RIGHT OUT OF MY CHEST???  
I WANTED TO CLAIM YOU AS MINE, TAKE YOUR SOUL  
NOW YOU'RE LEAVING ME HEARTLESS... DYING... FUCKING DYING~~  
 ~~I'M GOING TO ROT IN HELL  
~~  
  
 **''That's ridiculous... You're going to be fine without me. You have so much to live for.''**  
  



End file.
